Well, Awkward Dancers, fall is finally upon us. It’s time to dust off those sweaters, proudly display those gourds, and sit still between the hours of 1 p.m. to 12 a.m. every Sunday for football, and maybe baseball once the playoffs start. As a September baby, I’m particularly fond of fall. I love the crisp fall air. And although Cactus hates said air, he’s a fucking Cactus and what he thinks doesn’t matter at all.
But in addition to sweaters, gourds, football and air, fall is also a great time for dating, and so I present to you Fred’s Fall Dating Ideas:
1. Apple picking. Every fall, what is already America’s premier fruit becomes even more premierier. We sip on apple cider during football and soccer games. We candy and caramel our apples for treats. We bob for apples at state fairs. And best of all, we pick apples! Nothing says I’m outdoorsy and festive than taking your lady to the country to pick some apples. You can explain to your date how great they taste right off the tree, and brag about how you can tell the difference between gala and a pink lady. Afterwards, you can snuggle up next to her with a blanket and share some apple cider. Don’t think you can possibly eat all those apples? Get creative. Maybe use one to gag her during sex acts after an otherwise wholesome day of apple picking.
2. Hayrides. I’m a big fan of being towed in a tractor on a bed of hay for no other reason than it’s fall, and there’s a lot of hay to go around. If the hayride is haunted, even better. Again fellas, this is a great way to snuggle up next to your lady, as you are sturdier than her, and if you don’t hold her, she could fall off the ride. You might be able to combine this with apple picking, and if you can – you will get laid. That’s right, hayride + apple picking = laid.
3. Leafing. Once the leaves start to turn in late October, there’s nothing better than taking your lady to the mountains to take in the fall colors. If she’s outdoorsy, go camping. If she’s not outdoorsy, maybe combine it with an antiquing trip through Connecticut. Don’t tell your bros about the antiquing trip though, and conceal any antiques you purchase if you ever host a Football Sunday (see No. 6). And also, cut off your genitalia, as you lost the right to use it the minute you went antiquing.
4. Phish concerts. Normally a great thing to bring your lady to, but Phish isn’t touring this year, so maybe try out equally lady-friendly bands such as Umphrey’s Mcgee, Moe., the String Cheese Incident, or the always-popular, wookie-friendly act the Disco Biscuits. Why is this a fall specific activity? It’s not, but Phish and other Phish-like bands tend to excel in the fall. Is that true? Not at all. To be honest, I just want some girls to be at these shows. I’m tired of standing next to overweight dudes typing setlists into their iPhones and telling me how this was the best “Harpua” since Hampton in 98.
5. Haunted houses. Another great opportunity to get close to your lady. It will go like this: a) you walk through the house and some weird little dude with a mask will jump out of nowhere and scare your lady; b) your lady will grab your arm and squeal; c) you will stand there awkwardly, knowing that it isn’t real, but kind of wanting to fight the little guy because he is little, and you could probably take him; d) you resist the urge to fight the guy and instead shuffle your lady past him and through the rest of the house; e) you take your lady home; f) you have sex with your lady. Works every time. *Caution* If you are scared of little people with masks on, do not choose this particular activity. You will look weak when you scream, and even weaker when you cry on your lady’s shoulder afterwards.
6. Football Sundays at your bro’s house. What better way to introduce your lady to your friends than to take her to your bro’s house to watch football on Sunday. Here, you and your bros can regale her with explanations of how Michael Vick is killing two of your six fantasy football teams because he keeps getting hurt and how you thought the Eagles would definitely win the Super Bowl this year, but now, even though it’s only week three, you’re pretty sure they won’t and that you hate them. After a day of nachos and beer, take your lady home and have sex with her, and maybe fart a lot while you’re doing it.
7. Homecoming! Think your lady likes you now? Wait till she sees you screaming at a pledge at 8 in the morning because said pledge didn’t call you sir, even after you specifically told him that you were president of this fraternity and that your nickname was Captain Awesome. Although you are a different person now, it’s important that your lady knows where you’ve come from. Show her your old beer trough and that couch in your frat basement where you and Spud double-teamed that girl named Cum-dumpster. Then, do your lady a favor and have sex with her on that very couch.
So there go, Awkward Dancers. Seven fall dating ideas that are sure to turn those summer romances into full-fledged, meaningful relationships. I think Ginger returns from her comically-long vacation very soon, so maybe she can give some fall dating pointers from the female perspective.